By now I'm sure you've all had your
fill of my tales of my boss's horrific bathroom trips at
my store. Well, worry not -- he's been on vacation all
week, and we have all reaped the benefits: easier
breathing, better complexion, and no more pulmonary
bleeding. Why, even my hair has begun to grow back. (I'm
not too excited, since it'll be gone again when he comes
back next week.)
Today, near closing time, my coworker and I were happily
finishing another day of radioactive-free labor when a
friend of my boss's wife arrived at the store. (My
boss's wife also serves as the bookkeeper, although my
daughter could do a better job, IMO.) This lady, a
middle-aged, upper-class, well-groomed type, greets us,
and asks if she may use the restroom, as she had been
stuck on the L.I.E. for a while. I didn't give it a
second thought -- she'd just go in for a tinkle, and be
on her snooty way, right? RIGHT???
The door shuts, and a few seconds later... well, the
sound that came out of there could best be described as
a re-enactment of that famous scene from Dumb &
Dumber. As I looked at my coworker in abject horror,
we were treated to about 20 seconds of ripping,
splattering, violent, gut-wrenching flatulence. Of
course, this is followed by an odor that made my goatee
turn green. A minute later, this prim, proper snob
emerges from our poor restroom, closing the bathroom
door behind her, looking like nothing had happened. At
this point, we were considering calling the labor board
for being forced to work in a hazardous environment.
Just before we were ready to leave, I made a terrifying
observation. One of our strictest work rules is that we
absolutely cannot leave until the coffee machine had
been cleaned and prepped for the next day. As my
coworker counted receipts, I studied the situation. The
sink to clean the coffee pot was in the bathroom, which
had just been subjected to The Symphony Of The Damned.
As I considered breaking our ironclad rule this one
time, the song
Eye Of The Tiger came on the radio. Suddenly I
was pumped up, and filled with determination. I'm not
going to let some wussy smell get in the way of my
assigned duties!
Inspired, I grabbed the coffee pot, and went into the
bathroom. I flicked on the light, and my bubble of
inspiration burst instantly. Apparently, our toilet
suffers from low water levels, and only fills about a
third of the way after flushing. And this prim, proper,
snooty lady had left green apple splatters along the
entire rear hemisphere of the bowl. I dropped the coffee
pot in the sink, and dashed out of the store,
dry-heaving the whole way.
I think I'll be having Dunkin' Donuts coffee tomorrow.