I Had a Duel to
the Death Today
I thought I had it made.
My boss is on vacation (again). We had hung
an "out of order" sign on the bathroom door,
to deter any rogue potty-polluters. And my
defecations have a hint of lavender, with a
touch of jasmine. All the bases were
covered... or so I thought...
After sending a happy log down the river, I
flushed, washed my hands, and prepared to
walk out when I noticed it. An unwelcome
visitor. Yes, a piece of corn that refused
to spiral down.
With a snort and a sneer, I flushed again...
and it came back. And again. So, it was
going to be like this, was it?!
Suddenly, a dry, dusty wind blew at my face.
A tumbleweed rolled by. A rattlesnake's tail
shook. The plunger, scrubber, and toilet
paper ran for cover. It was just me, and my
foe. You could have heard a pin drop as I
stared, eyelid twitching, at my adversary.
Oh yes. This corn was going DOWN.
First, I tried the
pouring-water-around-the-rim-to-create-a-vortex
trick. No dice. Then I attempted several
balls of toilet paper, hoping they would
drag down the stubborn roughage. Failure.
Exasperated, I threw several handfuls of
toilet paper
in, and flushed again. To my horror, the
paper clogged the toilet, with the water
(and my opponent) rising dangerously close
to the rim. With a desperate lunge, I
grabbed the plunger, and removed the clogged
paper. The water rushed down in a whirlpool
I estimated at an F-3, and I sneer-grinned
as I thought I had vanquished my foe.
But, to my dismay and sinking spirits, it
floated back.
I thought I was beaten. I had been bested. I
would have to let it sit there, only to have
my coworker walk in, see it, and laugh his
*** off at me for leaving it. Then, just as
I was ready to concede defeat, I saw my
salvation. My saving grace. My Holy Grail.
My boss's coffee mug!
I grabbed the mug, plunged it in, and ladled
out my formidable opponent. I walked out,
opened the back door, and poured it into the
bushes. Before going back inside, I regarded
my opponent one last time, now sitting
amongst the cedar shavings. I gave him a
respectful nod, and shut the door.
I figure by the time my boss comes back
Monday morning, his mug should be nice and
dry.