A few weeks ago, my co-worker gave
his notice. The reason he gave for leaving was that he
needed to tend to his ailing father's personal affairs
in Pennsylvania; however, the fact that he was wearing a
biohazard mask while announcing his departure somewhat
belayed his real motivations. (Okay, that's not true...
but things have never been exactly rosey here.)
So, earlier this week, we hired a new employee, an
older, mild-mannered gentleman named Steve. He seemed
eager to start, despite my urgent "Run! Run away while
you can!" pleas on his first day.
Somehow, on his first couple of days here, he has
managed to avoid the delightful experience of my boss's
atom-smashing bowel movements. (My boss was considerate
enough to wait until he left, leaving me as the sole
recipient of the chromosome-altering aromas. I'm so
lucky.) So, on his third day, I paid little mind when
Steve excused himself to use The Restroom.
There was no warning. No defecation grunt, no
sphincter-clearing fart. One minute, I'm soldering a
motor into an air purifier. The next minute, every
internal organ in my body was going into toxic shock. My
pulmonary vein, expecting to be carrying oxygen-rich
hemoglobin, convulsed at the sudden introduction of
hydrogen sulfide. Yes, this odor was so putrid that it
actually seemed to take on a physical form... grabbing
me... punching me repeatedly... picking me up and
dropping me on my head over and over... waving its hand
in front of my face, going "WOOP WOOP WOOP", and then
poking me in the eyes...
Then, a moment of irony occured that may never be
repeated again.
My boss, who had been sitting obliviously at his desk
doing "work" (read: looking at porn), suddenly looked
up, a look of bewilderment and disgust covering his
face. He got up, walked over to me, and said "Jesus,
this guy knows how to stink up a bathroom!"
There I stood, a beaten and broken man, unable to
respond with anything other than a blank nod of
acknowledgement due to the massive internal trauma I had
sustained. As Steve exited the commode, looking blithely
ignorant of the havoc he had caused, I wondered if I
should have accepted a position at a sewage treatment
facility, in order to enjoy cleaner air.