On the way
home from work yesterday, I
decided to indulge myself by
stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for a
pina colada flavored Coffee
Coolatta. (Yes, I love pina
colada, don't make fun of me.) A
few hours later, I would regret
this decision.
After dinner, with my wife
outside in the garden, and my
kids playing on the computer, I
felt it. An unmistakable
shoshing of matter going through
my large intestine. Up the right
side, across the middle, down
the left side, and screeching to
a halt at my rectum. A sudden,
dramatic increase in anal
pressure required immediate
action. I dashed to the
bathroom, and let fly.
About 15 minutes later, while
finishing the dirty diarrhea
delivery, I heard a commotion
from my kids. Apparently my son
was throwing a temper tantrum,
because he couldn't find the
Cookie Monster's hidden cookie
stash on the game he was
playing. I hurriedly cleaned
myself, flushed, and without
looking back, went to check on
the ruckus.
After calming down my son, my
wife came back inside. I saw her
head in the direction of the
bathroom, and realized I had
forgotten to spray the Lysol.
Just as she was entering, I told
her to wait; I warned her that I
had just had diarrhea, and I
hadn't sprayed. (Don't ever say
I'm not a good husband.) My
wife, God bless her, said "Oh,
whatever", and went in. As the
door shut, I felt so lucky to
have married someone who can
actually tolerate such
horrificness from me. I'm so
lucky...
My euphoric thoughts were
shattered about 5 seconds later,
as the bathroom door flew back
open. Out dashed my wife,
holding her hand over her mouth,
looking like she was about to
produce a technicolor yawn. I
will admit to a sinister feeling
of pride, that I was finally
able to make her gag. But as I
learned, it wasn't the smell
that got to her.
"GET IN THERE AND CLEAN THAT UP,
YOU DISGUSTING PIG!!!"
Whoa. Them's fightin' words.
I went into the bathroom, armed
only with a can of Lysol, and my
wits. It was almost like I was
playing Doom, and I didn't know
what monster was going to jump
out and attack me. After
neutralizing the stench, I
looked into the bowl.
Wow.
Apparently, my hasty flush was
not adequate in dislodging a 1
1/2" X 3" lump of cemented poo
stuck on the inside. I flushed
again, and the water just flowed
over it, like a waterfall. It
looked like one of those
suckerfish that stick on the
glass of fish bowls. The force
of my expulsion must have been
so great that it had molecularly
bonded to the porcelain, as it
resisted every attempt to
dislodge it. I was finally
forced to ball up a wad of
toilet paper, and manually
scrape the boulder off. It was
like a rock.
My wife didn't talk to me the
rest of the night. I figure my
Father's Day present may change
due to this incident. Has anyone
ever received a wire toilet
brush as a gift before?